Thursday, December 30, 2010

FML Quotes: Best of December

Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML

Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML


Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML


Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you." She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too." FML


Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML


Today, I was cleaning one of my elderly patient's teeth. After finishing and reminding her to floss, I realised she had died. Supposedly she was dead for a good 20 minutes. FML


Today, my daughter told my son that Santa is not real. Of course, being a child, he started to cry. My only problem is, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. FML


Today, I was playing hide and seek with a few friends. I hid in the bathroom, under the sink in a cabinet. I ended up having to sit there quiet as a mouse while my grandfather took an incredibly long and vile dump. I was too afraid to move. Let's just say he didn't rush it. FML


Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around. He threw me over his shoulder and turned around, smacking my face against the wall. Then he smacked my head into the fridge after turning round to see "what that loud bang" was. FML


Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML



Enjoy your day :)
 

21 comments:

  1. my god so it turns out my day is brilliant compared to these people and i still whine. damn!

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  2. Laughed but at some of these I kind of felt bad. But it was hard not to smile at them.

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  3. The chamber of secrets one made me laugh pretty hard.

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  4. oh man i feel sorry for these people
    but lol these are so funny

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  5. you mean speaking Parseltongue to my gf's vagina isn't a turn on?

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  6. ugly people do have feelings... my girlfriends were always bitching about how mean i was...

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  7. oh man diarrhea in an enclosed space doesn't sound good at all.

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  8. I FLOVE the FML website. Check out Texts from last night. some comical stuff there too :>

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